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A soundtrack that takes you somewhere

Can music help you through a breakup?

Don't make a breakup playlist that leaves you crying on the floor for three hours. Make one that starts there and takes you somewhere else.

There's a reason we reach for music after heartbreak.

When a relationship ends, suddenly every song seems capable of making you cry. You replay the songs that remind you of the relationship. You find lyrics that articulate something you haven't been able to put into words. And eventually, if all goes well, the soundtrack begins to change. The devastating songs disappear from rotation and something lighter, angrier, stronger or simply more fun takes their place.

That progression may be more meaningful than we realize.

Research suggests that music can play a role in emotion regulation, autobiographical memory, emotional processing and mood. What research doesn't show—at least not yet—is that listening to particular songs in a particular order can make you recover from a breakup faster.

But there is an interesting idea here: instead of using music simply to distract yourself from heartbreak—or accidentally using it to keep yourself immersed in heartbreak—you can use it intentionally to meet yourself where you are emotionally and gradually help shift where you're going.

In other words, don't make a breakup playlist that leaves you crying on the floor for three hours. Make one that starts there and takes you somewhere else.

First, forget about moving through five perfect stages

The famous five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—come from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work surrounding death and dying. They weren't originally created as a roadmap for romantic breakups, and contemporary grief research doesn't suggest that everyone progresses neatly from Stage 1 through Stage 5.

Real heartbreak is much messier.

You can feel accepting one day and furious the next. You can have a wonderful week and then hear one song in a grocery store that makes your stomach drop.

It may therefore be more useful to think of the stages as emotional states that we move in and out of, rather than levels that we complete. And music may be uniquely suited to meeting us in those different states.

Why music feels so powerful after a breakup

Music doesn't simply entertain us. Humans routinely use music to change, maintain or process emotional states, which is why researchers have become increasingly interested in music as a tool for emotion regulation.

Music is also remarkably good at retrieving memories. Researchers call memories spontaneously triggered by music music-evoked autobiographical memories, or MEAMs. A song can bring back not only the memory of a particular person or moment, but some of the emotional experience associated with it.

That's why your song can suddenly feel unbearable after a breakup.

And it also means music can work in two directions. A song may give you a safe place to experience an emotion you've been suppressing. But repeatedly listening to songs strongly associated with your former partner may also repeatedly reactivate those memories.

The question isn't simply, “Does this song make me feel something?” A more useful question may be, “Where does this song leave me when it's over?”

That's the principle behind this breakup playlist.

Stage 1: Shock & denial

“This cannot actually be happening.”

Especially after an unexpected breakup, your intellectual understanding of what happened can move faster than your emotions. You know the relationship ended. But some part of you still expects their name to appear on your phone.

You may feel numb, confused or convinced that once you have one more conversation, everything will somehow return to normal. This isn't necessarily the moment for an aggressively empowering anthem telling you how fabulous single life is. If you don't believe it yet, the song isn't meeting you where you are.

Listen to

The purpose isn't to make yourself sadder. It's emotional recognition: someone else has felt this too. Give yourself permission to sit there for a little while. Just don't build a house there.

Stage 2: Longing & bargaining

“But what if it could have been different?”

Then comes the replaying. What if I had said this? What if they had done that? What if we had tried one more time?

You may remember the beautiful moments while temporarily forgetting all of the things that made the relationship difficult. And this is where music becomes particularly powerful—and potentially tricky.

Listen to

Let yourself miss someone. Let yourself miss the relationship. Let yourself miss the version of the future you thought you were going to have.

But remember that missing someone isn't an instruction to contact them. It's an emotion. Those are very different things.

Stage 3: Sadness & actual grief

“I'm beginning to understand what I've actually lost.”

Eventually, heartbreak becomes less about trying to change what happened and more about understanding what happened. And often you're grieving much more than a person.

You're grieving routines. Inside jokes. Their family. The restaurant you always went to. Sunday mornings. The trip you were supposed to take.

Maybe you're grieving a house you imagined living in, children you imagined having or a version of yourself you thought you'd become beside this person. You're grieving an anticipated future as much as a past.

Listen to

This is the portion of the playlist where you are allowed to cry. You don't need to turn every painful emotion into a positive affirmation. Sometimes music provides a contained space in which you're finally able to feel something you've spent the rest of the day trying not to feel.

But pay attention to what happens afterward. If you cry for ten minutes and feel released, that's one thing. If you listen to the same song twelve times, spend two hours looking at old photographs, check their social media and end the evening feeling worse than when you started, the music probably isn't helping you process the emotion anymore. It's helping you rehearse it. And that's when it's time to change the song.

Stage 4: Anger & release

“Actually… fuck you.”

Anger gets a bad reputation after heartbreak. But anger can also represent an important shift. You're no longer exclusively thinking, Why didn't they choose me?

You may finally be thinking: Wait. Why did I accept that? Why was I treated that way? Why am I spending all of my energy wanting someone back who was willing to lose me?

Listen to

This is also an excellent time to stop sitting still. Put the music on and move. Walk fast. Run. Lift weights. Dance. Clean your apartment. Rearrange a room. Go outside. Give all of that activation somewhere to go other than another imaginary argument inside your head.

And then something important begins happening. The songs gradually stop asking, “Why did you leave me?” and start saying, “You don't get access to me anymore.” That's progress.

Stage 5: Acceptance & letting go

“What's not meant for me isn't mine to chase.”

Acceptance doesn't mean deciding that what happened was okay. It doesn't necessarily mean forgiveness. It certainly doesn't mean you have to become grateful that somebody hurt you.

Acceptance can be much simpler: this happened. I cannot change it. And I'm no longer organizing my life around wishing it hadn't. This is where the music starts becoming less about them.

Listen to

There is tremendous freedom in realizing that something can have mattered deeply and still not belong in the rest of your life. You don't have to turn your ex into a villain. You don't have to convince yourself you never loved them. You simply stop negotiating with reality.

Stage 6: Reclamation

“Wait. I fucking got this.”

This might be the most important section of the playlist. Because eventually your breakup playlist shouldn't primarily be about your ex. It should be about you.

And there is a psychological difference between I'll show you what you're missingand Oh. I'm not actually thinking about what you're missing anymore. The first still revolves around them. The second belongs entirely to you.

Listen to

Don't listen to these lying in bed thinking about your relationship. Use them while living. Play them while getting dressed. While working out. While driving somewhere you've never been. While getting ready to meet friends. While starting a project. While making money. While booking a trip. While doing something your relationship had absolutely nothing to do with.

You're no longer simply trying to eliminate old memories. You're creating new ones.

Stage 7: Life is fun again

“Okay… where the hell is my husband?”

There is one final stage that doesn't get enough attention. Eventually, healing shouldn't be about becoming exceptionally good at being heartbroken. It should be about not being heartbroken anymore.

There comes a point when the empowering breakup songs have done their job too. You don't need every song to tell your ex that you're thriving. You're just… thriving.

Listen to

This part should feel playful. Maybe you'll fall in love again. Maybe you'll discover that you really like being single. Maybe something entirely unexpected is about to happen.

For the first time, the future begins feeling less like the future you lost and more like a future you haven't met yet.

Don't just match your mood. Move it.

This may be the most interesting way to use music during a breakup. Instead of making seven separate playlists, create one playlist with an emotional trajectory.

Let the beginning meet you exactly where you are:

  • I can't believe this happened.
  • I wish it hadn't happened.
  • I miss what we had.
  • I'm devastated that I lost it.
  • I'm angry about what happened.
  • I can't change what happened.
  • I don't need you to come back.
  • I can give myself some of the things I thought I needed from you.
  • I fucking got this.
  • Wait—my life is actually fun again.

That's very different from putting 40 devastating songs into a playlist called Heartbreak and marinating in it every night.

Why the progression may matter

There is an intuitive psychological principle behind starting with music that matches your current emotional state before gradually changing its tone.

If you're devastated and someone immediately tells you, Forget him! You're amazing! This is the best thing that's ever happened to you! you may reject it because it bears absolutely no resemblance to how you currently feel.

Music can provide a gentler bridge. First: “I understand why you're sad.” Then: “You have every right to be angry.” Then: “You can't change this.” Then: “You're going to be okay.” Eventually: “There are things ahead of you that you're genuinely excited to experience.”

And that's a much more believable journey.

Will this actually help you get over someone faster?

We should be careful here.

There is not currently good evidence showing that listening to songs corresponding to stages of breakup grief makes people recover from a breakup faster. That's not what the research demonstrates.

What research does support is considerably more interesting than simply saying “music heals.” Music can be involved in emotion regulation—people intentionally select music to influence, maintain or process their emotional states.

Music can also powerfully trigger autobiographical memories, helping explain why songs connected to a relationship can produce such intense emotional reactions. And modern grief theory doesn't suggest that the healthiest strategy is to remain immersed in grief until you've somehow finished processing it.

The Dual Process Model of grief, for example, describes adaptation as oscillating between being oriented toward the loss and being oriented toward rebuilding life. That concept translates beautifully to heartbreak:

  • Feel it. And then go live.
  • Cry to the song. And then walk the dog.
  • Miss them. And then meet your friend for dinner.
  • Feel angry. And then go exercise.
  • Remember your old life. And then deliberately participate in your new one.

Healing doesn't require pretending the relationship never mattered. It requires gradually creating a life in which the relationship isn't the only thing that matters.

One rule for your breakup playlist

Every once in a while, ask yourself: “How does this music leave me?”

Not: how intensely does it make me feel? Not: how perfectly do these lyrics describe what happened? But: how do I feel when the song is over?

If you feel understood, calmer, released or ready to move—great. If you consistently feel obsessive, hopeless, compelled to look at old photographs or desperate to contact someone you'd decided not to contact, change the soundtrack.

Because the best breakup playlist isn't necessarily the one that most perfectly captures how heartbroken you are. It's the one that meets you there—and eventually helps you leave.

Questions people ask

Can music help you through a breakup?
Music can help people regulate and process emotions, and it can provide a contained place to feel grief. There is not good evidence that a particular playlist makes breakup recovery faster, so pay attention to whether the music leaves you calmer or keeps you stuck.
How should I build a breakup playlist?
Start with songs that honestly match how you feel, then gradually move through longing, sadness, anger, acceptance, confidence and fun. The aim is not to deny the pain but to create an emotional path out of it.
Can sad breakup songs make you feel worse?
They can. If a sad song helps you cry and feel released, it may be useful. If it leads to hours of replaying memories, checking an ex's social media or wanting to break no contact, it may be rehearsing the pain rather than helping you process it.
What is the most important rule for a breakup playlist?
Ask how the music leaves you when it ends. Keep songs that leave you understood, calmer, released or ready to move, and change the soundtrack when it consistently leaves you obsessive or hopeless.

Do this with a plan instead of alone at 2am

Glow Up Era gives you a private daily routine: days since the break up, an emotional check-in, a journal prompt with a gentle reflection back, a no-contact log where you write what helped or what made you cave, and a glow-up plan for the rest of the day.

Start your glow up